Welcome to the second installment of our brand new series on sex. Yep we’re actually going there. Let’s face it it’s not always easy to keep the juices of lovemaking alive so we’ve decided to get to the bottom of it in our new 12 Steps To Better Sex series.
This tiny three letter word (sex) seems to have the power to stir all sorts of crazy emotions in us so that’s why we’re going back to basics and unlocking the secrets to better sex.
We’ll be looking at some of the most common barriers to better sex including how to put the passion back into your sex life, when it’s time to tell the truth and stop faking it plus lots more.
This week we’re finding out what we can do now to spice up our sex lives so we enlisted the help of an expert – Mary Hodson Specialist in Emotional and Sexual Intimacy at Sex Therapy New Zealand.
The first surefire secret to five star sex according to Mary is truly believing that sex is a healthy and good thing to do.
Many of us don’t place enough importance on our sex lives (because life gets busy) and therefore we don’t prioritise it. If we’re not prioritising sex then we’re not really giving it a chance to be a highlight in our lives.
“Truly good sex comes from loving, respecting and knowing our partner really well and feeling loved in return,” says Mary.
“It also comes from knowing what we and our partner do and don’t like, being able to express that clearly and comfortably and being able to relax completely into the sexual activity and get lost in it. Negative messages stop us doing that,” she says.
Mary also says we need to actively spend time creating the right circumstances for emotional intimacy to occur. We need emotional intimacy to trust ourselves and our partner enough to relax and let five star sex happen.
Often our busy lives get in the way of our sex lives and Mary believes it’s essential to make time to prioritise our relationships.
“We don’t have to be so busy. It is okay, and more than that, it’s essential to take care of ourselves and our relationship. Say no to some things you do. Put the relationship first as much as possible. But that doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself in the process.”
Part of the reason our sex lives lose their spark is because we don’t take the time to let desire and arousal fully take over. This is why it’s essential to take enough time to relax completely into our lovemaking. We’re not saying a little wham-bam-thank-you-mam is out of the question but make sure you balance it with longer, more emotional lovemaking sessions. Remember the more time you take the more likely it is for arousal to occur.
Desire plays a really important part in great sex too according to Mary. So it’s important to create situations that will encourage you to desire your partner.
Think back to some of the things you both did in the early stages of your relationship that really made you want to tear his clothes off. Often life gets in the way and we forget about some of the simple things that we really dig about our partners. It’s important to get back to basics and remember what got us hot and bothered in the first place and recreate those times.
Mary also believes that it’s important the big O (and we’re not talking Oprah Winfrey) happens during sex. This doesn’t mean it has to happen every time but the more often it happens the better your sex will be.
And finally she says: “Only having sex with a partner you love, respect and know really well and know loves you in return” is the real key to sizzling five star sex.
Check out the first instalment in our sex series 6 Sex Problems and How to Solve Them here.
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